Here…

I am weak.
I am a sloth.
I am arrogant.
I exult the importance of my schedule over others.
I seek the praise of man.
I don’t love well, or really much at all.
I often defend myself.
I am easily annoyed.
I seek to please those above me for the sake of my reputation.
I am easily angered.
I desire knowledge but not to obey.
I lust.
I forget about God.
I seek activities that dull my mind so I don’t have to face the reality of who I am.
I don’t steward God’s money the way He wants me to.
I am lonely.
I often feel guilty for things I wish I could do better.
I lack faith in God’s mercy.
I get bored in prayer and reading the Word.
I often maintain relationships out of my own insecurities rather than in love.
I worry about many things.
I get frustrated when others fail to love God like I think they ought to.
I judge people by the way the look.
I am a glutton.

I am here, God…

15 of 40

Last night I was up till 2:30am trying to get to sleep. My sinuses were killing me. I began to wrestle with whether I should quit this fast or not. I really don’t want to. I mean, I just need Jesus. That verse the Lord gave me about living on the Word of God rather than bread alone imparted grace into my soul. I usually find every reason and any reason not to fast. But then again I was feeling horrible and had to wake up at 6:45am. So I wrestled with God, or maybe myself.

This morning I got a dream. In the dream I was passing out on the sidewalk. I couldn’t see straight until I was in a doctor’s room. The doctor then told me to eat some food. I told her I wouldn’t because I was fasting and plus I can’t just eat anything to break an extended fast like that. I then saw a calendar and the next week was marked out with fruits and vegetables for the next 7 days. Then the dream ended.

The Lord spoke to my soul saying that fasting isn’t about sacrifice in and of itself. Fasting is about seeking the Lord, and letting Him love on you.

I had fears that if I were to break it, I would be a failure. I sometimes get assumed pictures of what it ought to look l Ike when seeking the Lord. I try to recreate those pictures, some that I have seen other people do. That is not what the Lord is about though. The Lord works in different ways with each person.

In the dream the Lord was telling me to eat something this week. I am sticking to only fruits and veggies. In a way that is sometimes hard for me to understand, this is the Lord’s mercy. It is His kindness, His beautiful heart towards me. Who would have known that faith and submission would look like me altering my fast and actually eating some food.

The Lord is good and His mercy is packaged new every day. It is His good pleasure to work that in all His people.

As I post this I am slurping down on some vegetable soup. It is good have some hot food again. Even the Lord’s mercy can come to us as a bowl of soup.

Day 12 of 40

Today was a good day, but I am super tired. I was running around trying to finish up my photo project since the time I woke up till I left with my soon to be bride to go on a date. We started off to this barn that I have been eyeing for quite some time. It is a beautiful barn. The paint is chopped off, along with the faded white paint hanging on. It stands tall with a large open window center top. There is a broken wagon in front. It almost looks like what I would see on Oregon Trail as a kid. Sarah modeled for me as I shot some pictures of her looking out from the barn as though she had been living inside without ever seeing the outside world for twenty years. This barn has an oxymoronic look to it. What I mean by that is it looks clearly abandoned yet intimate – oxymoronic.

After we were done we went to a place called Smoothie King to get a MANGOSTEEN smoothie. Yeah you read that right. Mangosteen, the best fruit in all of Southeast Asia. It was delicious. We finished off the night at Denny’s drinking tea and finishing our Save the Dates.

The day went by without much thought about the Lord. It was still a good day, but I miss Him. Tomorrow is my sabbath. I want the Lord in my life, but when it comes down to it, I don’t find myself doing what I desire to do. Throughout this fast I have struggled with actually separating myself to just let Him love on me. I am distant from Jesus and I don’t want to be.

I find myself often discouraged because of my lack of zeal, pursuit, desire and plain out love for the Lord. I am a wicked creature. I can’t do anything. Everything in me is selfish and vain. How am I even to love God any more? Everything good in me is Him, but every day I take the credit. How can I better myself? That’s my ambition, my pride, what consumes my soul.

Today, yeah today was a good day. It was a good day indeed. But at the end as I am laying in bed, looking at my life, I need faith. I need faith that allows me to trust that today was actually a good day. Lord, you know, it was a good day.

You’re here, yeah it was a good day.

Journal entry for day 9

This is what I wrote on day 9… Reading over this again encourages me a lot.

40 Day Fast: Day 9

I have been physically feeling a little better than I had a few days ago. Although, today, I do have a headache and my neck aches. I think aching is normal though. I sent some of the morning online researching the health aspects of fasting.

Before I was wrestling with really wanting a cheeseburger and wanting to quit the fast because I was getting angry and slightly depressed. Emotionally I was just off. But now the accusation to quit is based on health reasons. I am at a point where I am okay only having juices or smoothies for about 30 more days. But I am beginning to hear the question in my mind as to whether this fast will mess up my body or not.

Other people have done it before who are less healthy than I am. I am a 21 year old athletically built male who rarely gets sick. If anybody could fast it would seem like it would be me. But at the same time, just because others have done it before does not mean that it is okay to do. Some Christian folks I know of who would be all for this sometimes lean to the aesthetic side of Christian spirituality. Certain ministry websites say it is perfectly healthy while they do caution you to seek medical advice.

General health sources I have stumbled upon on the internets say it is good if done right, but it is also risky if done wrong. Some who I have told about this say that they don’t think I should fast. I will continue to listen to them, but until I find a good enough reason not to, whether it be medically or spiritually or whatever, I will continue. Continue with watchful analysis that is.

While the spiritual life can tend to get complicated in the mind, God’s word makes it simple.

Matthew 4:4: But He answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. (Matthew 4:4 NKJV)

As I think about all of this I come back to the root of why I am here at this place in my life, and it is because I need Jesus. While I have obeyed the growlings of my stomach my whole life, the hunger pains of my Spirit have been neglected far too much. This isn’t a fast for the sake of abstaining from food. This is a fast because things are not okay right now. This is because I desperately need Jesus in my life.

40 Day Fast: Day 6

I think I made this fast out to be more glorious than it is. In fact, there really is nothing glorious about it. I feel like I have turned into a different person. Or maybe my true self is just coming out. I get very irritable. I am also very mello about everything, which is weird because I am already a pretty mello guy.

Motivation has dwindled significantly. I often find myself not wanting to pursue the Lord. But when I think of things I could possibly do, nothing seems to appeal to me. It’s not really about what I want anyways, is it?

All my pride and wickedness seems to be brought to the surface. I feel as though I am nothing. I don’t know that I even love God. I don’t know what He would want to do with me. Even though I feel miserable, my head keeps telling me to keep going.

God is here in this desert. Testimonies encourage me. I know God must be here somewhere, and all this is not going to waste. God, I know, sees my heart. He sees my desire. There’s glory ahead of me. And I must get it. This is the Lords house and I must prepare it for Him. Though all my emotions tell me differently, He is my Beloved, He is my friend. I’m weak, and my efforts are few, but He’s here. I know it.

Just to fall madly in love with Jesus…

40 Day Fast: Day 5

This is what I wrote in my journal yesterday:

I don’t know what You are doing in me God. I feel these waves of depression that roll over me. They over power me. I get confused, restless and without peace. This is not how it used to be. I remember the sweetness of life before, when I saw You, God. Now I do not see You. Where are You, God?

When I look to the things of this world they do not have an appeal to me any more. I know there is no goodness apart from You. Since I cannot run to You and there is no use running to the world, I am stuck with myself who is dark and down. Is this what this is about, Lord? Is this about seeing me? I know You are humbling me, but this is just so hard. I always complain when things are not easy.

I want to just break this fast. But the other part of me fears that I will roll back into that grave of apathy. It is not as though it is my efforts that keep me passionate anyways. All my labors, what do they amount to? I am not earning anything. Why should I pray? Why should I fast? Why should I even try to love You? What good does it do anyways? I can’t earn favor with You. I can’t get You to bless me. It is Your work in me, not mine.

I don’t understand. My soul is stretched within me. It senses what it needs, but is like a cotton filled mouth in the midst of a dessert where there is no water. There is none but You God, yet I do not feel You. There is no joy within me. There is no divine pleasure. What then, do I have? Are You really my portion, as the scriptures say? Why is it that those who do not pursue You go through life as though they have everything? I do not understand, God. Where are You? I don’t have to fast; I don’t have to pray. But God, I can’t not fast; I can’t not pray.

Where are You? I need You, God. Save me. Please, God I beg You. Save me. You know what I am. You know my failure. I am death, and You know it. You know it all together.

As Laura Hackett sings, “When my heart just can’t figure out what it wants, please, give me a reason to trust Your still fight for me.”

God, that’s my prayer.

Remembrance of God’s Work in Faith

But whoever does not have them is nearsighted and blind, forgetting that they have been cleansed from their past sins. (2 Peter 1:9 NIV)

Those who are blind and nearsighted are dead. They only have hope for life through Christ. It is not by our own works because in our own efforts we parish. It is through the life given through Jesus. But when we have been given life we gain these fruits of the Spirit. We begin to walk in self-control, goodness, perseverance, mutual affection and all wisdom and love.

These fruits are born through the remembrance of God’s work in us. Recognition of the glory of God in our lives is an act of growing in faith. And faith is the heart posture positioned to receive the sanctifying grace the Lord has for us. We need not to forget the Lord’s work in us. It is this recognition in faith that is our good. We must see God’s work in our own lives, it is good for us!

blessed are those who are not offended by me

He loved these people. He wept over them. He longed to gather them together and shepherd them. Was that really too much to ask? Numerous arms He extended only to be barbarically chopped off. His heart was exposed, on the line, then electrocuted by a child who finds pleasure in watching critters die slowly.

But to Him, this heart was not a mere critter. It was a human heart, His human heart, soon to burst. Actually, not really a human heart – it was God’s heart. It was the root and soil of love itself. This 30 year old heart was of a different species, a nearly extinct species.

But this adored people knew of no such heart. If they did, they wouldn’t have given it a crown of thorns. They would have recognized that this heart did not need those thorns.

No such scandal had happened before. The people did not know how to recover. But controversy happens, I guess. Life goes on. After all, Babylon is still here. Who needs such a weak heart, when we have Babylon?

“The Weeping Room” – Jennifer Miller

I heard this story over the weekend of a dream a woman had. It brought me to tears. Here it is:

One day as I was in prayer the Lord began to open up my eyes to a spiritual encounter. I saw myself being taken up to heaven. Before me I saw a huge house with many rooms. I knew instantly that this was the ‘Father’s House’. I could feel the love of the father drawing me in, so I began to run as fast as I could to enter the house. As I entered, the Lord walked with me through many rooms, each one packed with spiritual meaning.

He quietly invited me to follow Him into the most beautiful room in the whole house – the intimacy room. It was absolutely extravagant and beautiful. Upon entering the room, I was overwhelmed with love and wanted to stay there forever. In the Spirit I could hear other people (other believers) in all the different rooms of the house. Some were studying books in the library; others were becoming intoxicated in the spiritual wine cellar. I was somewhat surprised that everyone wasn’t in the intimacy room since it was the most beautiful room in the whole house.

As I was admiring this intimacy chamber, I noticed a little wooden hatch door on the floor adjacent to the bed. It seemed really odd to me, because it wasn’t fancy and hardly seemed to fit with the rest of the room. I asked the Lord why it was there, and He told me that it led down to another room in the house. I asked Him why He would put this door so close to the most beautiful thing in the whole room, the bed. He responded, “I keep it here, because down there is where I spend most of my time”. Instantly my curiosity was stirred so I asked what was down there. He said it was called the “Weeping Room”.

Although it hardly sounded like a room I wanted to be in, there was a cry in my heart that said that if that is where the Lord spends His time, then that is where I want to go. I asked Him if I could go down
there with Him, and He responded “Very few will choose to go down there, it’s not extravagant like this room, it’s lonely, it’s not comfortable, and you have to get very low to fit through the door.” I told Him that I didn’t care what the conditions would be like; I just really wanted to be wherever He was.

So we opened the little hatch door and began to slowly climb down a dark staircase until we came upon the tiny room. I had to get on my knees to fit through the door because it was so small. As we entered the room it was very simple. All it consisted of was a small wooden chair. One of the walls had a small window in it. The Lord took His seat on the chair and turned His face to look out the window. Instantly I became aware of why this room was called the weeping room.

As you looked out the window – you could see and hear every single cry coming from people on the earth. You could see every single act of injustice all at the same time. Every starving child crying out to God, every woman being raped, every moan of the rejected … you could hear every prayer, every cry all at the same time. The Lord sat in His chair and watched and heard it all.

At once I was overwhelmed with intercession and began to weep. I wept for hours. I wept for those who were hurting, but even more – I was undone by this beautiful King who would choose to spend His time in this place; This King who paid such attention to every cry and who was so full of compassion. As I sat and wept with the Lord, I began to ‘feel’ His heart-and all my selfish ambition began to fade away.

Jesus, The Incarnation

“Oh you who heaven and heavens of heavens cannot contain (I Kings 8:27), how is it that You find no abode in the little town of Bethlehem?  You who inhabit eternity, how is that You have no habitation but a cold stable?  You who dwell in unapproachable light, how is it that the only dwelling You find is in the darkness?  Heaven is Your throne and earth Your footstool, yet on this scandalous night in the hills of Judea you lie in a feed trough. How can this be?” – Stephen Veneble

“My Jesus, supreme and true God!  What has drawn Thee from heaven to be born in a cold stable, if not the love which Thou bearest us men?  What has allured thee from the bosom of Thy Father, to place Thee in a hard manger?  What has brought Thee from Thy throne above the stars to lay Thee down on a little straw?  What has led Thee from the midst of the nine choirs of angels, to set Thee between two animals? Thou, who inflamest the seraphim with holy fire, art now shivering with cold in this stable!  Thou, who settest the stars in the sky in motion, canst not now move unless others carry Thee in their arms!  Thou, who givest men and beasts their food, hast need now of a little milk to sustain Thy life!  Thou, who art the joy of heaven, dost now whimper and cry in suffering!  Tell me who has reduced Thee to such misery? “Love has done it,” says Saint Bernard.  The love which Thou bearest us men has brought all this on Thee.” – Calvin Miller (quoting St. Alphonsus Liguori)

Reading about and listening to those who have experienced the depths of Jesus always provokes me to do the same. Most of my thoughts are unconcerned with Jesus. I don’t want my mind to be wasted, just like Paul who desired only to know Christ and Him crucified. There is so much more life, goodness and richness i  Jesus than we realize.