God’s Pleasure in Times of Confusion

There are times where I mess up. With Sarah and I there have been times where she has had to deal with issues concerning me that she should not have to deal with. Whether I am having a bad day or my unreasonable expectations weigh down on her, she is presented with an opportunity to love me or not to love me. There have been times where she has had to cope with issues of my past, areas where I have made mistakes, and it is not very easy to deal with it all. In those times when I am not easy to be around, she has two options, respond in love or respond selfishly.

Specifically, when she has had to swallow the hard facts of the sins of my story, it means so much to me that she still loves me through it all. She does not have to, but she does anyways, because she loves me. Those moments where I am being difficult or have been hard to love, and she still shows me love anyways, are moments that I know I will remember for the rest of our lives.

In no way do I seek those moments out. I would never want to mistreat her in order to present her with an opportunity to show me merciful love in return. I love her, why would I ever want to do that? While those type of moments are moments that I cherish, I still regret every part of not treating my princess with the love that she deserves. I wish I could do anything to change my actions in those moments. But still, they are good moments not because of me but because of the Lord’s merciful love acted out through her. Those times are special times because she has shown love to me in one of the most powerful ways.

The other day I was reflecting on the ways Sarah has loved me. While I was thinking about all that, the Lord began to reveal to me things about Himself. There are times where we do not understand what the Lord is doing in our lives. I know that there are times where God seems distant or unconcerned with the occurrences of my life. When I pray, I can’t hear Him. Those times bring me frustration whether I would like to admit it or not. Or even the times where something happens in life and it seems like God has no idea what He is doing. I find myself asking, why is this person sick for so long? Why did this happen? God, I thought You said You were faithful?

What He was showing me was that, there are times where He does not reveal the reasons for Him doing things. He realizes that, from our perspective, it looks as though He is unfaithful. His goal is not for us to merely have an understanding Him. No, He wants a relationship with us; He actually likes us and wants to be with us. When there are times where it appears as though God is not pulling His weight or that He is not loving us the way He should, it might be that God is waiting in anticipation to see how we will respond. When it seems as though our loving God is not doing His job, He is wondering, will we respond in love anyways? Sometimes when God seems distant, will we pursue Him? When He seems unfaithful, will we still love Him?

When we have the faith in God, we are loving Him. When God does not reveal His goodness in a certain situation, He might just be longing with a smile on His face waiting for You to just believe anyways. My guess is that He cherishes those moments tons more than I cherish those with Sarah. I think He actually withholds the revelation of who He is sometimes because He wants our hearts. Like I said before, God is not about us simply understanding Him. He is a lover, longing for interaction. He loves the yes in our hearts. He loves the ways we do respond in love to Him. He cherishes those moments deeply.

Learning About Mercy and Kindness

The other night there was a moment where I had to confront some people on how they were being disrespectful to those around them. Being an RA that is part of my job description. While I love being an RA, upholding University policies is not the reason I became one. After the confrontation I could tell those I had confronted where upset about the whole situation.

After I confronted them for doing what they were doing, my room got pranked. I did not see who pranked me, and at 12:45am I could tell the prank was not just for the fun of it. It did not take me being a genius to put two and two together. They were upset, so they (or whoever it was) wanted to get back at me.

At first it made me frustrated. Number one, they were the ones being disrespectful. Two, I was trying to sleep. Three, being a disciplinarian is not my favorite thing in the world. Four, I did nothing out of character or outside of my role as an RA, therefore I did not deserve this.

It made me think of last semester when some residents were giving me trouble about being too strict or whatever else they did not like about me. Some of them would laugh in my face. There where a few nights where shaving cream would get squirted all over and under my door. Last semester I got to a point where it was really getting to me. I was getting bitter towards people. Anger started building up. I felt mistreated.

The other night, on the verge of the emotion of it all, the Lord spoke to me about mercy. The reality is, we will always get mistreated. That is a part of life. Whether it is from people who simply do not like you, or like what you are doing, or it could be from people accidentally. Or maybe people are just selfish and are not mature enough to not mistreat you. Either way mistreatment is something every one goes through and some more than others of course.

Mistreatment is not bad in and of itself. How we respond to mistreatment is what matters. When we are mistreated, it is an opportunity from the Lord to grow. Either we could harbor up anger or we can respond in meekness. I had to make a decision in that moment. I had three options.

1. I could have gotten angry. I could have even went down the hall and told them what was on my mind.

2. I could have ignored it and went to bed. Stuff happens, and there is nothing I could do about it.

3. I could find a way to bless them.

Option number 1 and 2 are the most gratifying routes, but option number 3 is the most liberating. And it is the most sanctifying. I decided to text each of them telling them that I appreciate them and that I hope they have a good rest of the night. That option was much better than what I ended up doing last semester. Plus, it is true! While sometimes people on the floor give me crap, I love them. I am thankful for each one of them.

Acting in mercy and meekness is just like Jesus. His whole life exemplified that. It is so unlike this world. I am glad He teaches and convicts. He teaches His children His ways. And His ways are so good.

Ps 119:45 “I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts.”

Ps. 37:11 “But the meek will inherit the land and enjoy peace and prosperity.”

Matthew 5:11 “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Who am I?

Recently, in my times where I pause on life to spend with our Creator, He has given me the favor of being real with myself and with Him. He has been teaching me the art of allowing Him to fully accept me. With His teachings there is often pain, pain in the exposure of what has been hidden for so long. Its the pain that darkness feels when it is kicked out of its long settled territory by the light. It is the pain that prisoners feel when after many years they are finally released into the real world. Their long anticipated freedom seems so foreign.

Its like in the movie Shawshank Redemption when Brooks (a prison inmate for over 40 years) is released from prison. The world looked so different. He did not know what to do with it all. He felt scared and out of place. He couldn’t deal with his new found freedom because imprisonment became so normal. He eventually took his life.

Now, that is a dramatic example of the pain I am feeling, but the concept is still the same. And unlike Brooks, I place my hope in Jesus.

For so long I have placed my identity in what I could offer to or be to someone or some community. For instance, the last few years God has given me wisdom beyond many of my peers. In positions of influence I have been able to provide spiritual wisdom for many. Recently, I have realized that I am afraid to pursue relationships where I am not offering someone wisdom or something else for their benefit. It has been hard for me to grow close to people where I am not offering them anything. I have been afraid to let people fully accept me, failures in all. I let them accept my gifts and strengths, but my failures are a different story.

God has given me an interest in photography. Since this last year, I have been eating up knowledge about it, trying to gain photography experience, etc… I have been increasingly looking for others to affirm my photo skills because I want to be considered a good photographer. It has been hard being in a class of all photo majors who have been in it for the last four years or longer. I have longed to be good, not a failure. I have really feared failure.

Blogging has something I have done more consistently recently as well. The last few months I have found myself constantly checking how many views I have on my blog, commenting on other blogs hoping that others will click on my name linked to my blog resulting in more views, all making me feel better about myself as a blogger. I have longed to be a good blogger, not a failure. I have really feared being an unsuccessful blogger.

Sarah and I have a great relationship. However, I have been realizing that for a while now, my view of love has been me being that shoulder for her to cry on when things are tough, but when I need her shoulder I am hesitant to show the need because I do not want to be a “burden.” Or perhaps that is my mind’s way of putting it, avoiding the fact that I am afraid to be fully accepted, weaknesses in all. I might be more accurate to say that I am afraid to not be fully accepted, failures especially.

The thing is though, I do not have any idea of what that looks like, to let myself be fully accepted, weaknesses in all. I don’t think I have ever done that. I have let people accept my good things, the things God has gifted me with. It’s easy to let them except that part of me. But I am so afraid to let them see any other part of me. Sadly, that is what dictates my relationships.

No one truly knows my inner workings, my evil schemes, my cries for help, or any of my failures, except for God. And the reality is that no one will properly accept them except for Him, nor would I expect them to. Though I cannot see Him accepting me for who I am, still my heart will believe that we will accept me.

So, here I am before the Lord. You can call me Brooks. Because these things that have been hidden for so long, these parts of me that I have been afraid of that have been hidden in darkness for as long as I can remember, are being called out of the darkness. It’s weird, its foreign, but it is freedom. I don’t know what to do with it except sit and let Him hold me. I can’t hear Him, but maybe He is speaking a different language out here, outside of the prison that is. Maybe I just need to sit out here for a while in this so called freedom, with this confusion and all. At least I think this is right…

Do Not Worry

Proverbs 10:22 says, “The blessing of the Lord makes one rich, And He adds no sorrow with it.”

The idea of the Lord’s blessings is an idea that I don’t really know how to approach that well. I would say that it is true that everything I get is a blessing from the Lord. Whether it is through my parents (which a lot of the things I have are from), or through my own income, or just by a friend who wants to buy me dinner, it is all from the Lord.

Then I think ahead of things that I worry about. Things like, wedding finances, where Sarah and I are going to live, other things I need, etc… But the reality is, if the things I have had in the past are blessings from the Lord, isn’t everything in the future a blessing from the Lord? Are not all things under heaven His?

Everything we get is a blessing from God. We all would say that God will always and has always provided for what we need. But not only has He given us our needs, He has given us our luxuries. I have an iPad, a nice camera, numerous pairs of shoes (including those Vibram five finger shoes), I have a few coats to wear, a guitar, a car since I have had my license, school paid for, extra food in the fridge, gas paid for, a palm tree in my room, a dinner made for me by Sarah, and I could go on. These things have come from various people, mom, dad, Sarah, a friend, etc… But the reality is still true that they are from the Lord; every need and luxury under heaven is His and in some way or another given to us.

Thinking about all of this, why do I worry? Why do I worry about what I have in the future? It is vanity on so many levels. I have been bless beyond belief! There is not reason to sorrow, or guilt, or worry about life. Life is rich in the Lord. He blesses us and loves to do it because that is who He is.

I came across a tweet the other day from Eric Johnson. He often tweets about things in life, enjoyments in things that don’t naturally seem spiritual. I have found myself criticizing him, “Man, this guy is so enthralled in the things of this world.”

He tweeted: Fascinating how when I just enjoy life, people feel the need to make sure I know it’s all about the the Kingdom. I know it’s all about the Kingdom, that’s why I enjoy life.

The title of my blog is “Free as a Bird.” I will now choose to live that way.

The Heart of the Lord

“Moses said to the Lord, “You have been telling me, ‘Lead these people,’ but you have not let me know whom you will send with me. You have said, ‘I know you by name and you have found favor with me.’ If you are pleased with me, teach me your ways so I may know you and continue to find favor with you. Remember that this nation is your people.” The Lord replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” (Exodus 33:12-14 NIV)

Moses felt the urgent need for direction. He knew the Lord was commanding him to lead the people of Israel. He was not sure how to proceed exactly so he brought his concerns to the Lord, as most of us would. When you need direction, you pray.

Moses was just wanting to be obedient to God, but he had some questions. I have found myself in that spot many times in my life. I come to a point in life where I need direction. I have seen others get so distraught sometimes over what their calling is, or what they need to do in life, and more often than we would probably like there seems to be silence from heaven.

If you look closely the story of Moses, Moses was in the same bind. Well actually, it wasn’t silence he was experiencing, but in the same way, his question was not answered in the way he was hoping for. He didn’t get the direction from God that he wanted.

Instead God said, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” What? Did God just ignore Moses’s question? God really didn’t address Moses’s concern. Instead, however, God’s answer was more than what Moses was asking for. God was revealing to Moses who He is. God was saying that He is the God who never leaves us and who gives us rest.

I heard it said recently by a man named Gordon Dalbey that God doesn’t want obedience; He wants trust. Sometimes when we are looking for answers on how we ought to be obedient to God, God seems silent because He is saying the same thing He said to Moses here. We might think He is not answering our questions, but maybe He is just not answering them in the way we are looking for.

We can assume that God is only about telling us what to do. It’s much more than that. His goal is not that we just do what He says and be obedient. God wants us to know Him. He wants us to know and rejoice in the fact that He goes with us. He is trustworthy. He is not just obedience-worthy. It is much more than that. Can you hear Him now? Maybe He’s just saying, “Trust Me. We’re in this together, my friend.”

SB2012 9:9

Yeah, yeah, yeah the last couple posts are a day behind, but when I took the photos weren’t!

Spring Break was great and all. It included going to West Virgina with the pops, doing genealogy research, snapping photos through Henryville, staying in Naperville, spending time with Sarah, my princess, (and her amazing sister). And ending it with making my mom a birthday breakfast.

Here I am at school again, and surprisingly really excited to be back. I missed the guys on my floor. While there are only a few weeks left of school, it has made me realize I need to soak up every bit of it. I cannot wait to get married and move to Cambodia, but the last moments of college are upon us, and I don’t want to take it for granted.

Nice legs right? haha weird…

SB2012 9:8

Not quite sure on what to say about these photos. I went into the woods just to shoot. I decided to shoot only at a focal length of 300mm. It was a different look, as recently I had been shooting as wide as I could.

Anyways, I went into the woods to shoot, and by the time I was done an hour and a half had passed. I did not even realize how fast that went by. Photography is becoming a getaway from life type of thing. I think everyone needs those type of things.

 

Everything we see in these pics is what man has done in creation. My thought is, we can choose to see what man has done, or we can choose to see what has been created. We cannot change that both man-made and God-made things are in the world. We can change our perspective though.

SB2012 9:7

This photo a day thing is quite challenging. Sarah and I spent most of the day together. It was our date day. We needed it. I wasn’t about to bring my camera into that though. I guess I could have, but it would not have been worth sacrificing our date. She needed my undivided attention and I needed hers. Even though I am learning to love taking photos, we need that time. It is our time.

Later that night the House of Prayer was having a worship set. Most of the day was set to be undivided, loving the two closets people to me, Sarah and Jesus.

Home usually leaves the light on for ya…

SB2012 9:6

Talks around the coffee table.

Words that needed to be said.

People that needed to be heard.

Life that needed to be lived.

Life that still needs to be lived.

Conversations that still need to be had.

All around the coffee table.

SB2012 9:5

As I have been trying to do a photo a day for this spring break, it has been challenging. Not challenging in the sense that it is hard to make one somewhat aesthetically pleasing photograph that I feel comfortable sharing with the whole world on my blog. It is challenging in the sense of entering into a photographers mindset not just for a project or when I get a new idea but having that mindset throughout the days of life.

I do not think about what I can take pictures of or what moments I can capture all the time throughout the day. But I want to have that mindset. I want to train myself to think much more often through a camera lens rather than through no lens at all. It is also weird carrying around a camera everywhere. Even in non-significant moments.

But this is where I want to be. I am learning through this that becoming a photographer is not about skill, artistic talent, technical knowledge or how much money you have to buy camera equipment. Becoming a photographer is about mindset. It is about the way you choose to see the world. Perspective is everything, and I am beginning to think that without a camera, life can be rather dull sometimes. Those non-significant moments can be saved and made actually rather significant.

Oh yeah… these are my photos for the day. I could try to figure out how my thoughts and these pictures connect, but I won’t make it into something bigger than it is.

Simply put, these dogs are cool, and now you can see that they are cool too. Amen